As some of you know, things have really begun to change in my life recently. I don’t know where to start or how to ease into this. Some of you might ask why I’m even sharing this at all – I’ll get to that at the end. So, here it goes . . .
During our spring break I had a meeting with a neurologist to discuss some numbness that had been reoccurring on the left side of my body. After an MRI scan I went back to the doctor for results – and there – on the screen – was my brain – with a white hole in it . . .
What was going on? What did all of this mean? I was terrified. During times like this people talk about seeing their life flash before them – but me, I saw my future. I saw the kids I wanted to have, I saw the house back in the States I wanted to create, I saw our travels to other parts of the world . . . and I saw it all slipping away.
Over a week of hospital visits and more tests, it was determined that I have a brain aneurysm. As it stands right now I had a brain angiogram done a week ago and the doctors have given me different treatment options. But I’m not just writing this post to share about my medical condition. I’m writing to share about how, during this difficult time, so many have surrounded me in love, taken time to pray, and come to me with genuine concern for my well-being. I feel so utterly blessed, and with each well-wish, prayer, and word of encouragement the giant monster of fear gnawing inside me gets smaller and smaller. God is teaching me so much right now and I have to start talking about it. I can’t talk about all of it here, but I’ll start with the first lesson I’ve started to learn . . .
. . . yes I am learning that I really can trust Him. Slowly I have been turning to God and slowly I am giving all my trust to him. I keep thinking of what a friend of the family, Patty Joseph, keeps telling me – He is the master weaver – and I am seeing more and more how all this is true. He orchestrates and weaves so much together that we cannot even imagine or predict. For the first time since moving to this country I feel like I am meant to be here. Back in the states I’m not convinced that the doctors would have done an MRI. They are expensive and our insurance back home was not as good as it is here. The neurologist told me that the numbness I was experiencing was probably nothing and that he would do a scan just to rule anything else out, but, he said, it’s probably all just stress. I am so thankful to that doctor at NMC Hospital in Al Ain – if he didn’t do that scan, I would have no idea. God was taking care of me. He knew right where I needed to be and which doctor I needed to see.
Not only that but the insurance provided by my employer is amazing: the MRI – free. The second MRI with contrast – free. The CT scan – free. The brain angiogram with overnight stay in the hospital and four meals – free. Scott and I already have enough student loans, so if all of these tests and procedures were done in the states our amount of debt would have only increased. I honestly feel so lucky to be in this country. Not only that but one of the doctors that can help me at Neuro Spinal Hospital in Dubai, worked at and was trained at the best neuro hospital in Europe. Not only that but the brother-in-law of a good, dear friend of mine, Mahasen, worked with this doctor in Paris! I feel like I am in such good hands and once again I feel like God has guided me here. I am so thankful for both of my doctors and this hospital – here are two videos made by my doctors if you care to see them: video 1, video 2. Oh, and the top right picture is the view of the Burj Khalifa (tallest building in the world) from my hospital room!
The last thing I will mention here, under trust, is the single most important thing that has kept me going through all of this and has kept my trust in God. My aneurysm was found before it ruptured. I cannot thank God enough, and I cannot help but think he is guiding me through all of this. All my life I have feared death and here God is both saving me from it and forcing me to confront it daily – and daily teaching me to turn to God when overwhelmed by fear. I need to trust that God will take care of me. My father continually says this as do so many others in my life, “If God brings you to it, He will bring you though it.” And I so hope that is true. As my Uncle Dave told me “my only job right now is to trust in God and trust that he will bring me though.”
My friend at work, Beverly, asked me if I’m praying and if this experience has drawn me closer to God. I told her it really had. She said that she has found that during times like this people either run to God or they turn away from God. It was not until she had said this, about a week and a half after I found out, that it occurred to me to blame God. Believe me, I have blamed God for many things in my life – things far less important than this – and yet I still don’t blame God. I don’t know why but for this trial in my life all I want to do is desperately run to God and seek his protection. I guess I feel like He is the one who can help me right now. My whole being, my whole soul, my whole body knows I need to run towards God right now – to be in His arms and to trust Him. I know this is part of my story and I know this is something that I need to rely on Him for.
So why am I sharing this? Honestly because I believe that by sharing our trials, our experiences, and our joys we can relate to each other. If someone who is going through something similar finds my blog and can relate – well, that’s the reason. God has been pouring his love and protection on me and I feel like I cannot help but to start sharing this. I’m hoping to start more posts like this – given that my health, doctors visits, work, etc doesn’t take up too much time. God is showing me so much right now – so I must listen, and I need to share.